I Want My Kids to Speak Up in the Group Chat, So I Sat on the Edge of the Sandbox.
What to do when another kid is mean to yours, at the playground or in the group chat. How to teach kids to stand up for themselves at 2, 4, 7 and 12.
I sat on a bench at the playground, the sun warming my face as I rocked the stroller back and forth with my foot, praying my six-month-old would stay asleep. Nate, my three-year-old, had already plopped down in the sandbox with his favorite dump truck beside him and a half-eaten granola bar in his grubby little hand.
Was it kinda gross to let him eat in the sandbox? Probably.. but it was one of those days where both kids were in good moods and I even remembered to bring a snack for myself, so I let it go.
A little girl in a too-small, well-loved Pokemon shirt, with uneven bangs, knobby knees, a very runny nose, and white-blonde hair, who looked about six years old, suddenly leaned over, put her hands on her hips and stomped her foot on the pile of sand Nate had been excavating with his yellow metal Tonka truck.
“That’s stupid,” she challenged, in a tone that made me think she might have an older sibling at home who had done the same to her, and she was trying it on for size.
Nate locked eyes with me, and before I could even start to get up, I heard a tired, exasperated voice from the bench beside mine. “Lily, knock it off or there’s no iPad tonight.”
I whipped my head around and noticed another mom, who, like me, was juggling an overstuffed diaper bag and a stroller with a barely-dozing toddler. We made brief eye contact and she gave me one of those, “Kids will be kids” looks before she looked back down at her phone.
This is NOT the part of the post where I shit on the other mom.
With a perfectly executed eye roll, Lily was now inching closer to the big metal dump truck that Nate had carried the three long blocks from home. It was a little worse for the wear, impossibly awkward to carry, and man did he love that truck.
For a second, I felt totally unsure of what to do. My instincts pulled me in a million directions at once.
Rush over and tell Lily off?
Give dirty looks to the other mom until she dealt with her kid?
Take Nate to another part of the playground and avoid the confrontation?
Plot twist: I did none of the above. Kids learn how and when to stand up for themselves by watching us do it. And standing up for yourself doesn’t always mean handling it alone. Sometimes it means asking for help. Nate didn’t handle Lily on his own that day, he looked at me, and I want my kids to keep doing that.
My hope is that a three year old who calls his mom over to the sandbox grows into a middle schooler who says “not cool” in the group chat.
And I hope it turns into the teenager who gets an adult when everyone is too drunk and someone could get hurt, even if it means they won’t be invited back next time.
And, the college kid who speaks up when they disagree with their “brotherhood.”
This was my chance.
And if you are wondering why and how I didn’t immediately confront the other mom, a glimpse into my thought process:
What and who is most important to me right now?
What do I want my kid to take away from this situation?
My answer: I wanted Nate to see me model compassionate but firm boundaries. Without yelling, blaming or shaming another person.
I had no clue what the other mom was up against, and I wholly believe we all want what’s best for our kids.
I try not to have expectations of someone I don’t even know, and it’s not my job to manage another mom’s parenting or another person’s child. My job is my own kid. Period.
Here is how I did that:
What I said to Nate, word for word, at the edge of the sandbox (and why I pulled out my phone on purpose)
What standing up for themselves looks like at 2, at 4, at 7, and at 12, with my words for each
The stuffed animal trick for four year olds, and the ball story for seven year olds
The middle school group chat, and the thing I wish I’d done sooner with one of my own kids
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Why I Let Us Run Out of the Favorite Snack on Purpose: the sore loser phase is normal/ making a second choice, the phrase that got my three kids through lost games, dirty cups, and missed teams/ my exact words from toddler to high school
What I said when my kids were bored (by age) that taught them how to fill their own time: My exact words for a 3 year old, a 7 year old, and my 13 year old with a new phone, what I do when boredom turns into destruction, and the day-plan list I taught my kids to write themselves
I Stopped Hiding Our Toys in Drawers. Now Everyone Plays, Even the Teenagers: The toys and art supplies I bought vs how I set them up so they get played with consistently. Toddlers to Teens. When toys are in sight, everyone plays.
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