"Be Brave" Doesn't Work When Your Kid Won't Go to School
You still have to go to school, but you can cry while we get ready/ what to say instead of "be brave"/ the two emails to send tonight/ the night-before rehearsal/ when your neurodivergent kid won't go
A few years ago, we moved states with a 3rd grader, a 7th grader, and a 10th grader. Mornings were... a lot. Some days, I wanted to bundle everyone up in cozy blankets and let them stay home forever. Other days, I wanted to scream, “Just get your shoes on and GO.”
They cried, I cried. And not just once. A lot.
Year five just started and so far, no one is begging to stay home. But I remember that dread-in-your-stomach feeling like it was yesterday. Whether you’ve got a teenager slamming the door or a preschooler refusing to get dressed, this post is for you.
Wanting to Stay Home Can Be Normal
Wanting to stay home doesn’t automatically mean something is “wrong.” It’s pretty common for kids to resist the transition because of how big the shift feels from the comfort of home to the stimulation of school. Much of the time, it’s your child wanting to stay home because home feels safe, predictable, and comfortable.
I want to stay home most days, and I’m 48. I want to rewatch last week’s episode of Real Housewives, under a weighted blanket, with the dogs pressed against me and a steaming mug of coffee. Home is easy. It’s predictable. School is... not.
School is loud. It’s fluorescent lights, smells, rules, expectations, and never being allowed to just exist. Even for kids who love it, the transition can feel like whiplash.
So no, wanting to stay home doesn’t always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it just means your kid likes being at home.
Two Things Can’t Be True Yet
Every parenting account says “two things can be true.” They say it ad nauseam.
And it is true for you. But for your preschooler, not yet.
Most toddlers and preschoolers can’t hold two feelings at once, so a lot of the time, the sad wins. And hopefully, a little while later, excited might get to take its turn.
So when the teacher texts you a photo of your grinning kid, elbows deep in purple playdough, you spend the morning wondering who that child is and what you did wrong at drop off.
The ability to feel sad AND excited at the same time comes around age 7 or 8. Until then, they’ll feel one thing at a time, probably at full volume. We get the hardest ones in the morning and at pickup. That’s normal. And no, you didn’t do anything wrong.
But They’re Crying. And Refusing to Get Dressed... What Should I Do?
Let’s talk strategy.
When we try to convince kids that they should want to go to school “because they love it!” we only make them double down on their refusal.
Below: Getting your kid dressed and out the door without a bribe, the things you can skip, teacher and counselor emails ready to send tonight for your preschooler or big kid, how to rehearse tomorrow’s tears the night before, and what’s really going on when your neurodivergent kid won’t budge in the morning.
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