Mastering Kid Cooperation: Why Threats and Bribes Fail & Effective Strategies That Work
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Why is it that the one moment we need kids to cooperate they do the exact opposite?
If you’re anything like me, when you’re feeling pressed, you take shortcuts. A lot of the time, that’s a great strategy! But when it comes to kids and cooperation? It doesn’t work.
Here are a few reasons our knee-jerk reactions to getting kids to cooperate won’t work, and what to do instead:
Threats, Bribes, and Punishments? All three make the “don’t” list.
One common mistake lots of parents make when they want their kids to cooperate is resorting to threats, bribes, or punishments.
Why it’s not a great idea: All three are external motivators and lead to short-term compliance but usually don’t work in the long term.
So, what can you do instead?
Connect and communicate- but make it easy on yourself. How? Instead of calling directions up the stairs or across the room, take the extra moment to bend down, get their attention, double-check you actually have their attention, give ONE direction, and have them repeat it back to you.
Be respectful. Instead of expecting them to drop what they are doing that instant and comply, give them fair warning and time to finish up their own agenda before they attend to yours. If you are in the middle of an important phone call and your child suddenly starts yelling, “I NEED A SNACK RIGHT NOW!!!” you’d expect them to wait a minute before you assist them, right? It’s the same thing…
Involve them in decision-making ahead of time. Kids are much more likely to cooperate if they know what to expect and when. If you know tomorrow morning is busy, and that you need to get out the door ahead of time, talk about it the night before. Try this: Most mornings, we have time for screens after breakfast, before we get ready to leave. Tomorrow morning is different. We have to leave early. Instead of morning shows, we will have afternoon shows. Can you make a sign and hang it near the TV so that in the morning, we will remember? Here are some post-it notes and pencils. Thanks for helping me out!
Look at it through your child’s eyes. If you know you’ll need their cooperation with something that might be tricky, think like them. What is it about this particular situation that might be getting in the way? Could your expectations be too high? How can you help them be successful? If they need to brush their teeth, put on shoes, and a jacket, try removing some of the obstacles ahead of time by keeping a toothbrush handy in the kitchen. Lay out their jacket and shoes on the kitchen floor ahead of time so they aren’t searching (and getting distracted).
Finally, remember this: Sometimes, you’ll still scream, “LET’S GO NOW!!” up the stairs, and chaos will ensue. You won’t have time or mental space to take these steps all the time. I know I don’t. You are human, you aren’t supposed to “get it right” all the time.
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