Don’t Turn the Car Around: Why holding back is sometimes the most supportive parenting move you can make.

It was the last month of school, and my daughter ran out to the car, two braids flying behind her as she hurled her oversized backpack into the passenger seat. The weather was steamy for May, and dark, humid clouds were threatening to break open. All of us were beyond ready to trade in the morning school rush for slow summer days.

We pulled out of the driveway and made our way into the congested traffic. We inched closer to school when my daughter gasped, “Mom! Turn around! I left my violin at home, and I need it.”

I almost did.

But instead, I put my hand on her leg in a feeble attempt to calm her growing agitation and said, “Shoot. That really stinks.”

And I kept driving toward school.

She started to panic a little, “MOM! You have to turn around!”

“You really want me to go back and get it, I know. This time, I am not going to. You’ll have to sort it out with your teacher.”

Here’s what I didn’t say:

I can’t!! Don’t you see this traffic?

You need to be more responsible; maybe now you’ll learn.

I told you to put in the car last night when you were finished practicing.

Here’s what I did say:

Do you want me to help you figure out how to talk to your teacher?

Truthfully, that earned me a hard eye roll and a grunt that sounded something like, “Ugh! No!”

I kept my lips sealed and my face neutral. Not the time for a lecture on eye rolling. She was worried about how to manage a tough situation and stressed about how her teacher would respond to the forgotten instrument.

As her parent, I see it as my job to support her without fixing things when she faces manageable stress. Her response to forgetting was spot on. It's stressful to forget something important.

There are times when I would have turned the car around, even for a forgotten violin, because part of being supportive is being aware of my child’s window of tolerance. There is a fine line when it comes to these types of situations. There is no hard and fast rule, and all kids need a different kind of consideration.

So how are we supposed to know when to push and when to rescue?

Understanding Your Child's Window of Tolerance

Everyone has what’s called a "window of tolerance,” that sweet spot where they can handle challenges and stress while still being able to think clearly and learn from the experience. Inside this window, they feel some discomfort but aren't overwhelmed. They can problem-solve, regulate their emotions, and grow from the experience.

As it turns out, she told her teacher that she’d forgotten her violin, her mom wouldn’t bring it, and that she would leave herself a note for next week. And she got through it.

She remembered her violin the next week and took quiet pride in putting it in the car the night before. That’s how it begins: with a lived experience that says, I can handle this.

When Our Adult Nervous Systems Get in the Way

I speak from deep, lived experience when I say this: what trips up so many loving parents is not our child’s distress, it’s our reaction to it. Their panic sets off our own nervous system alarm: “DANGER! FIX THIS NOW!” We feel their stress in our bodies and mistake our discomfort for a sign that they can’t handle it.

A child's capacity for discomfort is often much greater than we think, and sometimes greater than our own capacity to witness it. When we rush in to rescue because we can't tolerate their struggle, we rob them of the chance to discover they're very capable of handling hard things.

The Art of Supportive Non-Rescue

Things that are not supportive:

Shame (You should be more responsible)

Rescue (Dropping everything to fix the problem for your kid)

Making it about you (The teacher will think I am an irresponsible parent)

Things that are supportive:

Staying calm, present, and empathetic (helps their nervous system stay regulated enough to think through the problem).

Offering support in other ways without forcing it. (Do you want me to help you think it through?)

Holding space for them to express disappointment and worries.

Reading the Signals: When to Step In vs. Step Back

There absolutely are times when turning the car around would be the right call.

If your child is:

• Completely dysregulated (screaming, hyperventilating, shutting down)

• Facing consequences that are disproportionate to the "mistake"

• Already stretched thin from other stressors

• Showing other signs they're outside their window of tolerance

Then stepping in isn't rescuing, it's being responsive. The wisdom is in knowing the difference. The key is gauging your child, and not parenting from a place of your own anxiety- no easy feat.

I posted this example on IG in April, and I was floored when commenters were calling me Ruby Franke and telling me how awful I was! I even guiltily went back and asked my (now 17yo) son if he remembered me not bringing him his lunch (he didn’t).

In short, I explained how I didn’t bring my child a forgotten lunch in fourth grade, but I did bring my other child forgotten homework and sports uniforms in middle school. The difference? Their window of tolerance at the given time.

You know your kids best, and you have to be willing to bet on your instincts, knowing that you won’t always get it right.

Building Resilience Through Manageable Struggles

When children successfully navigate challenges within their window of tolerance, something important happens. They internalize "I can handle hard things." They build a library of evidence that they can rely on themselves, even in tricky situations.

Each time we resist the urge to rescue, we're saying, "I believe you can figure this out." Stepping back and letting them prove it to themselves is the most powerful way to do that.

I dove deeper into the practical side of this last month for my paid subscribers- the actual phrases that work when your 3-year-old's cup is dirty or your 8-year-old loses at kickball. You can find it here if you want those specific scripts.

Edited to add: As I was getting ready to hit publish on this post, I saw a powerful Instagram post by Dr. Aliza Pressman. She calls these situations “safe struggles.” She says, “Positive stressors are necessary for resilience building! Being uncomfortable but safe is when it is so tempting to intervene but so awesome to hold back!! Hard but healthy.”

I know how hard it can be to put these ideas into practice. It’s hard for me, and it is something I’ve been studying and practicing for years. You don’t have to do this perfectly, or all the time. I hope this post gives you courage and something to think about. Thanks for being here and reading my work. I appreciate you all so much.

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