HOW TO HANDLE SEPARATION ANXIETY

Has your little one ever clung to you when it was time to drop them off at school, camp, or the babysitter? It can be so hard. As an early childhood educator and a mom of three, I have been on ALL ends of the separation/ attachment situation and it is not easy for anyone involved.  

This year is Sloane’s second summer at day camp with her big siblings.  The camp is on an island and the children take a ferry boat to get there and back. Last summer, I was a nervous wreck about sending my little peanut off to the island with the big kids.  I was terrified it would be too long of a day for her.  What if she slipped on the gangway getting on or off the boat? What if she needed something and couldn’t/ wouldn’t speak up in an unfamiliar setting? (By the way, I had zero qualms sending either of the big kids at her age, but I can’t help but feel protective of S). I was pretty darn good at hiding my uncertainty and exuded all of the confidence I could muster as I waved her off.  Guess what? She was better than fine.  She loved it and happily trotted off to the boat each morning.  

This summer, the children and I were equally excited for camp to start.  They couldn’t wait to get to their beloved island and sail, go tide-pooling and dock jumping. I couldn’t wait to wave them off and run home and tend to my fourth child- this little business of mine. All four of us eagerly awaited the first day.  

When we arrived at the camp meeting spot, the kids excitedly clamored out of the truck and grabbed their backpacks and lifejackets.  All of the sudden I felt Sloane’s little hand in mine and she looked at me with huge eyes and said, “I changed my mind.  I don’t want to go to the island this year.  I’ll just stay home with you, mom.”  HUH? I was totally unprepared for this. Still, it didn’t seem like a big deal.  Just first day jitters, right? Wrong. 

I firmly and lovingly told her that it is okay to be scared and brave at the same time.  It is okay to not feel one hundred percent comfortable and get on the boat anyway.  She managed and I didn’t really even think about it for the rest of the day.  She came home exhausted, happy and a smidge dehydrated.  All good. 

Day two? Not good.  First of all, she woke up thinking it was a regular beach day for us.  She was somehow shocked when I told her it was another camp day, and in fact, there would be camp all week.  She was a little testy in the morning, but nothing totally out of the ordinary for my spicy girl.  Off we drove to meet the boat. I walked her to her counselors and her group and her eyes filled with terror.  She really didn’t want to go. She said that she is too sad saying goodbye and that she felt like she was going to cry for me the whole time on the boat.  I stayed strong and told her that her counselors know how to help her and that soon she would feel better.  I told her again, that it was okay to be scared and brave at the same time. Thankfully, Nate, my eleven year old, offered to sit with her on the boat.  She still had to walk there with her own group and meet him, but that helped a bit.  Little tears seeped down her face but she reluctantly went to her group.  Like the day before, she came off the boat grinning in the afternoon, singing camp songs and retelling stories about her day over and over.  

Day three was The. Worst.  She clung to me the second we got out of the car.  According to Sloane, there was NO way she was going to camp.  No amount of comforting, cajoling, or distracting was going to snap her out if it.  Oh, how I wanted to just scoop her up and bring her home with me.  But here’s the thing- I happen to know a lot of separation and attachment.  And I also know my girl pretty well.  I am sure that she is having fun at camp.  I am positive that this is just a hurdle for her to cross, not a massive mountain. (For some children it is a massive mountain.)  She’s always been slow to warm up, but once she does, she can barely keep her mouth shut.  Even through my own pain and anxiety about seeing her this way, my mom-instinct told me that she needed to face this head on.  

Each morning, the children walked with their groups down to the dock to meet the boat. After peeling a crying Sloane off of my body, I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to turn the car into the dock parking lot and wave to her and make sure she was okay.  You know, I just wanted to put my eyes on her one more time to make sure all was well.  But I didn’t do it.  You know why? Because that’s about me, not her.  In this particular situation, my barreling in there and waving one more time, seeing her off for five more minutes, would only make the separation longer and more painful.  Sure, maybe I would feel a touch better seeing her holding hands with her counselor or warming up to a friend, but if she saw me, the anxiety would return.  So I didn’t do it.  As I sit here writing this, I hope she is having a fun, carefree day, and that we will win this battle with separation without turning it into a war.

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Five tips for helping ease separation anxiety:

1. Be honest. Do not sneak out. Even if it feels harder to stay, sneaking out only makes your child feel insecure. Show them that you can help them manage their emotions during the hard times as well as the easy, happy times.

2. Be confident. Our children take cues from us. From the time they are very small, our children reference us for feedback about new situations. Have confidence that your child can do hard things. Believing in them is more than half the battle. If you see their camp or school as a safe environment, they eventually will too. Acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings that your child is having, but stay calm and confident. Don’t be scared of their feelings or they will be too. Exude confidence in your child and their caregiver.

3. Tell your child where you will be. Give them an image in their mind (or for really little ones an actual picture of you) of where you will be. Example: While you are at camp, I am going to go to the store to buy food for dinner, then I will drive to work and then I will have lunch. After that, it will be time for me to come and get you.

4. Allow tears and other uncomfortable emotions. Separation can be difficult and it is so important to acknowledge that. You might be embarrassed or uncomfortable that your kiddo is the only cryer, but remember that expressing emotion is so healthy. Also, emotions show up in lots of ways, not just your typical teary eyes.

5. This too shall pass. I am currently IN IT, so I know how hard it is to believe. But, in his own time, your child will be ready to separate smoothly and so will you.

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Five language examples to adapt to your own needs:

• It felt to so hard to say goodbye to mommy yesterday. You cried and held me so tight. You are still learning that it’s okay to be away from me and that I will always come back.

• It is okay to be scared and brave at the same time. Even though this feels tricky, I know you can do it.

• Tomorrow, you will go to camp again. What would help you feel better about saying goodbye? Would you like to keep a picture of me in your pocket or bring a lovey to cuddle?

• Even if you cry, and even if you are worried, your teacher will still help you say goodbye to me. She will hold your hand and stay with you until you feel like playing.

• When it is time to drop you off at camp, I will stay for five minutes and then I’ll say goodbye. First we will find out the schedule for the day, then I’ll help you find your favorite counselor, then I’ll kiss you three times and say goodbye.

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From one mama to another, I truly hope this post helps you find some solace in the pain of separation anxiety. - Lizzie

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I hope you found this post helpful. If you want to hear more from me, please be sure to subscribe to my blog and join the conversation over on Instagram. -Lizzie

LIGHTEN UP- STOP BEING A SUPER PARENT

In this age of super-parenting, there is pressure to speak ‘lovey-dovey’ to your children ALL THE TIME.  We are supposed to give them choices, and allow them to emote and we are to endure ALL sorts of self-expression, right? Maybe not….  

Here’s how I see it-I am the mom.  I am in charge and I am as patient as I can possibly be in that moment.  I try my best to give reasonable choices when it is appropriate and not to be a yeller… but I am also a human and it is important for my children to see me that way.  I refuse to speak sweetly all the time.  When they are pushing my buttons, and annoying me, I think it is okay to show it.  

Also, I speak to them in a normal tone of voice.  They are people and deserved to be treated as such.  When I observe an adult speaking in that babyish, sing song-y tone to children, it makes me cringe a little bit.  Do you trust someone who alters their voice and personality just for you? I don’t.  

Let your voice reflect how you feel about a situation. When your small child is acting out they are begging for limits.  Set them clearly and firmly.  Don’t be a sweet and nervous or pretend you don’t notice and then wait until you get to the safety of your car where you lose your temper, start screaming at your child and perhaps crying yourself. Your child is learning to read social cues from YOU.  Especially when they are small, your children reference you to figure out how to read a situation.  If you are acting all sweet and sappy in public and holding it all in until you lose your mind, what are you teaching them?? 

I give you permission to be real with your child.  Even your small child.  They bit you? Say OW firmly and mean it.  Are they doing something you don’t like such as pulling your hair? Don’t laugh and call them silly.  Tell them that it hurts and that you want them to stop. It is OK to say, “I don’t like that.”  We want them to speak up for themselves, right? This is how they learn. 

We need to stop complicating everything for the sake of looking like an unflappable super mom. That super-mom does not exist. 

Speak kindly and truthfully to your children. Be firm and set limits when appropriate.  Do not tell them they are silly and then giggle if what you really mean is that you are embarrassed and you wish they’d stop lifting your dress in the supermarket. They won’t be able to decode your complicated message. 

I feel anxious when I see a mom speaking timidly to her tantrum-ing toddler.  She is eyeing the crowds around her and trying on her best “mothering phrases” that she read in a viral Facebook post about how to speak kindly to your toddler.  She is worried about being judged by other moms if her snacks are not organic and her words are not sugar coated.  That crap needs to stop.  No one wins. It helps neither the child, nor the parent. Our children are supposed to have tantrums.  They need to push back.  If your kid is fighting you about leaving the park and you are still leaving, you are doing a GREAT job.  

I hold no judgement towards the parents and teachers who are constantly spinning their wheels to say the exact right thing, to present the most beautiful looking project or meal, or to skillfully bribe their child out of the park without a tantrum.  We are all being conditioned to act this way. It scares me.  We are forgetting how to parent with our own instincts.  We are foregoing simple, face to face interactions for complicated craft projects and mandarin lessons.  We are getting so burned out making things look and sound perfect that we are not seeing the true beauty right in front of our eyes. It is SO much more important to have the strength and energy to look our child in the face and read a book together than it is to run yourself ragged between a zillion activities while cooking the perfect meal and providing service with a smile at all times.  Looking and acting like a perfect parent sounds exhausting and miserable.  It serves no one, especially not our children. 

Do yourself and your child a favor and BE REAL. BE WHO YOU ARE. Try your best to be patient and to speak kindly, but also, be firm and clear when you need to.  Your child will thank you. Your parenting life will be easier and so much more fulfilling.  

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I hope you found this post helpful.  If you want to hear more from me, please be sure to subscribe to my blog and join the conversation over on Instagram.  

-Lizzie