The Phrase I Use When I Screw Up With My Kids

It softens shame, builds trust, and resets everything (no matter their age)

I’m deep in the tween and teen trenches now, but it still feels like yesterday when everyone was under seven. This story starts with my 12-year-old, but if you’re deep in the five-year-old meltdown era, keep reading, I promise these shifts work no matter the age, because it’s not really about the behavior. It’s about something else.

Lately, I’ve been having a series of hard days with my daughter.

I’ve got a lot going on at work, and she’s 12, so she’s managing a whole host of “stuff.”

She’s been pushing back on what feels like everything, and I haven’t been responding the way I wish I were. There have been a lot of stern warnings. Illogical consequences. Outbursts (from her and me). You know how it can be.

And regardless of her behavior, I’m the grown-up, so it’s my job to lead us back to connection, even when it’s hard. Even when I’m frustrated and busy, I am her mom, and this is one of the most important ways I can help her feel grounded.

So the other day, I glanced up at her, took a breath, and said:

“I’m still learning how to be your mom. And you’re still learning how to be a twelve-year-old kid. We’re both going to make a lot of mistakes. I love you, and I wish I were handling this better.”

She looked at me and said, “I love you, mama.”

It wasn’t a magic fix. It didn’t end our struggles. But it softened something in both of us.

That one small shift changed the trajectory of our day, and then our week.

How can one little phrase have such a big impact?

We Were Stuck in the Loop

The same hectic mornings. The same fight about breakfast. Same yelling, then the same guilt.

And here’s the thing about parenting a child at any age:

Most of the time, we don’t need a new parenting philosophy. We don’t need a perfectly color-coded chart or a complete overhaul of the routine.

We just need a few small shifts, tiny adjustments that reset the energy between ourselves and our kids.

Here’s the truth: Kids fall into patterns- HUMANS fall into patterns. When the pattern becomes constant irritation or frustration, the quickest way to change our child’s behavior is to start with our own.

Not because we’re doing it all wrong, but because we’re the adults, we are the ones who can intentionally interrupt the pattern.

Five Small Shifts That Break the Cycle

Keep reading for the full breakdown of the five shifts. This next part is just for paid subscribers.