Big Kid Tantrums Don’t Mean You Parented Too “Gently”
4 things that feel confusing about “big kids” but are surprisingly normal for five to ten-year-olds
Just because they’re “big kids” now doesn’t mean there won’t be tears and tantrums. I know it can feel like they should know better by now, or maybe their outbursts are a sign you’re missing something or doing it wrong. But this stage is full of contradictions. They’re capable in so many ways and still…
It was the summer of 2019. My older daughter woke before the other kids and wandered down to the kitchen where I was packing the cooler for the long beach day ahead. With my other kids still fast asleep, she propped her lanky body onto the counter and watched me make the lunches. Ritz crackers with peanut butter for her, turkey and cheese on a roll for my oldest, no lettuce, no mayo. Turkey rollups with Goldfish for my youngest.
While I added watermelon cubes and peaches into the cooler, she popped an Eggo in the toaster and plopped down to work on a complicated, zig-zag rainbow string bracelet. She looped the bracelet around her big toe to hold it steady, and expertly moved her long tan fingers in a pattern she learned from the older girls at camp. At nine, she felt more like fifteen.
Eventually, my eleven-year-old wandered down, bathing suit on, grin on his face, hair not-yet-brushed, my youngest, six, trailing behind him, still in PJs, holding her pink velour owl that she couldn’t sleep without.
My oldest was hustling the girls and me, eager to get to the beach for high tide so he could be first to jump off the high rock. My youngest, ever my baby, yawned sleepily, waiting for me to present breakfast and clothing options. (She’s got the same personality trait now, at thirteen.)
We arrived at the beach around nine am and set up for the day. The sun was shining, the tide was high and for the most part, everyone was getting along. I liked arriving at the beach early before our friends arrived, it gave us time to get settled and for the kids to get into a rhythm before the excitement. It was my favorite part of the day. Until it wasn’t.
My oldest scampered off to assess whether the tide was high enough for jumping yet, my little one settled in at the water’s edge with a bucket and a few plastic unicorns. My older daughter strapped on her life jacket and started dragging the paddle board to the water.
“Ruby!! Wait for me!” called Nate eagerly.
Immediately her face changed from serene to stormy. Huh? Normally she’d grin back and hold the board waiting for him to jump on. Not today. Today, she crossed her arms across her life-jacketed chest and dug her heels in.
“No, Nate. I never get the paddle board to myself,” she said.
“No fair,” he said, “It’s everyone’s. Why won’t you let me on?”
“I want a turn by myself,” she said determinedly as she shoved off the shore and paddled out.
Confused, but with the message received, Nate headed back onto the beach and started digging a moat for Sloane’s unicorns. Everything was fine until I glanced up and saw Ruby with tears of anger and frustration dragging the paddle board back to shore.
She dropped it just out of reach of the water and plopped her paddle on top, furiously unclipping her life jacket, she stomped over to where I was sitting. Before I could even ask what happened, she burst into tears and said, “It’s so unfair. Nate can steer the board by himself but when I do it, it won’t go straight.”
I wanted to say:
He offered to join you!
Calm down! It’s not that big of a deal.
You know how to do string bracelets and he gets frustrated in minutes!! Everyone is good at different things.
But I held my tongue because she was nowhere near ready to be walked out of her unfair bubble.
And regardless of how hard we try, (omg, I can’t help myself sometimes) meeting feelings with logic never works. When children are in the danger zone, explanations and solutions will only make things worse.
I don’t know about you, but when my kids were little, and they were melting down, I’d easily tell myself that they were hungry, tired, and overstimulated. But as they got older, I was less patient, and it usually came from fear.
Did I parent too gently?
Why are they still behaving this way?
Where did I mess up?
I’d go from gentle to impatient in the blink of an eye.
4 things that feel confusing about “big kids” but are surprisingly normal for five to ten-year-olds:
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Inside this post:
Behaviors that confuse even the most seasoned parents
When your child says “I’m stupid”
Phrases to calm the moment without shutting them down
How to support growing independence while still getting the snuggles
When you’re questioning if it’s them or you
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