“Is this a thing?” Parenting Questions We’re All Asking (Part Three)
Understanding our kids beats trying to “fix” them every time
I wrote this post to feel like the conversations we don’t get to have in the pickup line or over coffee. We are all racing around with a million thoughts in our heads, and if you are like me, the ones about your kids take the spotlight. For me, it starts with, “My kid keeps…” or “Wait, is this a thing now?” that keeps my mind racing and my texts to my best friends firing.
I took some of my most frequently asked questions from you guys, the conversations I’m having in my DMs, with private clients, and my friends, and I answered them here for my amazing Substack community.
And at the end of the day, I am always trying to remember (and remind you) that I don’t need to fix my kids, I just need to understand them a little better.
Last week, I got a comment on Instagram telling me that the advice I was giving would never work for this person’s child, and that I was being completely tone deaf. At first, it felt like a punch in the gut. Then, it reminded me of something I need to be really clear about — with you, and with myself.
When I give advice, coaching, or recommendations to my real-life best friends, to my private clients, on Instagram, here on Substack, here is what I tell people:
I cannot and will not tell you how to fix your child. They aren’t broken.
What I can do is walk beside you and guide you, using my life experience, my master’s in education, my deep knowledge of child development, and my years in the classroom.
My advice is not one size fits all. No self-respecting educator would ever claim that it was. If you hear anyone claiming that, run.
My hope is that you take my knowledge and perspective and use what aligns with your child, you, and your family’s values. Let the rest go. There is so much parenting advice flying at you. Choose what fits. Leave the rest.
Here’s what you’ll find inside this post:
My 4-year-old has a hard time because her 18-month-old sister wants to join everything.
How do you balance younger siblings wanting to join older siblings’ playdates? (3 years apart)
My 9.5-year-old is having big emotions and seems to have forgotten how to play.
How do I help my only-child daughter not be so bossy with her friends?
What is your homework routine?
I have 7- and 9-year-old boys. How do I handle sibling rivalry when fair isn’t equal?
None of this leads to perfect parenting. Instead, the aim is to meet each kid where they are, and stop forcing what’s not working.
Q: My 4-year-old has a hard time because her 18-month-old sister wants to join everything. Help\!
Been there. It is hard. For me, it felt like I wanted them to want to play together; shouldn’t they want to be playmates? I wondered what I was doing wrong with regard to their sibling dynamic.
Spoiler alert. No one is doing anything wrong. Both of your kids are doing exactly what they are supposed to. Here are a few strategies to work through this stage…
Your 18-month-old is following her big sibling like a puppy because that is how toddlers learn. She wants to be near the action because that is her classroom, even when it is really, really annoying for your 4-year-old.
Your 4-year-old is building complex play. Deep in their imagination, working things out, creating worlds. When a toddler crashes through that, it feels like their work has been destroyed because it has.
Let your 4-year-old choose when to include their sibling without forcing it. I know it feels counterintuitive, like maybe she’ll never include her. But, trust me. This is the way in.
“Would you like to give her a job in your game, or would you rather play on your own right now?”
“Do you want to help me set up something for your sister to do while you play blocks? Maybe you can set up something cool with playdough at this table for her… You know a lot about playdough.” This put big sis in the expert seat rather than in the disgruntled, my-sister-ruins-everything seat.
When inclusion is their idea, not something you forced, that is when real sibling connection grows. And it takes time. And patience.
The pressure to produce picture-perfect sibling moments is a direct path to frustration and burnout. Protect each child's play. Give them the option to come together, don't engineer it. The connection will come, and it will be real, because it was not forced.
If you take anything from this, remove “Be nice, she’s just a baby,” from your repertoire and replace it with, “Yeah, it’s tricky, isn’t it? Your sister is still learning how to play.”
Q: How did you balance younger siblings wanting to join older siblings’ playdates? My girls are three years apart.
My girls are three years apart as well, and I remember this stage in my bones. I battled wanting to teach the big kids’ inclusion while knowing that it was developmentally appropriate for them to want autonomy. Here’s where I landed…
The rest is for my paid subs.
