"Why can't I have a phone? Ella has one and Nat has one too..."

I've had this conversation ad nauseam with my 11-year-old for the past two years. While I want to roll my eyes and jump in right away with "Phones are the demise of childhood. That's why" or "You aren't old enough yet" or better yet, "They only have one because…" I try not to approach the conversation that way. I know that saying things like that will only leave her thinking that I don't understand her desire, and so she will just keep begging.

Would we roll our eyes if our child asked for a bite of our cookie? Would we dismiss their desire as trivial? Probably not. We understand that wanting is natural.

So when they ask for their own phone, why do we roll our eyes, yell, or become irritated with them? While a phone is not the same as a cookie, the idea of wanting one is the same.

It is a delicate balance to hold limits while not making our children feel bad for their completely normal desire to want something they see all around them.

So, when my daughter starts in on “when am I getting a phone?”, I try to show her that it's okay to ask for what she wants, even when the answer is going to be no.

Here's how... (this is going to take patience):

"Yeah, more and more kids do have phones in your grade than they used to. What are they using them for? Tell me more about that. What do you like about phones? Why do you wish you could have one? How would you use it?"

And I am clear about my limit by saying:

"It's not time for you to get a phone yet. Dad and I are not yet comfortable with that and we are in charge, but it sounds like it's really important to you. We can keep talking about it."

This shows her that we value her thoughts and opinions, even when they differ from ours.

Sometimes, she won't let it go, and it's really hard to stay patient (or kind).

My role isn't to squash my daughter's desires for things like phones. Instead, it's to help her navigate the reality of boundaries while letting her know it's okay to want things.

Here's what I do when the requests become persistent:

"This conversation isn't getting anywhere. Let's make a date to talk about it again on Tuesday when Dad is tucking in your sister. I will put it on my calendar. If you think of anything else, write it down and we can talk then. Until then, I'm not going to talk about it."

Remember: You can say no AND show your child you care about their wants and experiences.

5 Key Talking Points for Parents Navigating Your Child’s Phone Requests

Validate the desire without giving in "It's completely normal to want what your friends have. I understand why you'd want a phone, and it's okay to ask for things even when the answer might be no."
Ask curious questions about their specific interest: "What exactly would you use the phone for? Which parts seem most important to you? Is it texting friends, specific apps, or something else that appeals to you most?" Stay curious and move away from judgment.
Be clear about your boundary without attacking their desire: "In our family, we're waiting until [specific age/milestone] for phones. This isn't a punishment - it's a boundary we've decided is important based on what we know about technology and development."
Acknowledge the gap without false substitutes: "I know alternatives won't replace what you actually want. A phone is a phone, and I'm not trying to trick you with substitutes. This is a hard no for now, and that's genuinely disappointing. It's okay to feel frustrated about this boundary."
Create a structured timeline for revisiting the conversation: "I understand this matters to you. Let's agree to revisit this conversation in [timeframe]. Until then, keep track of specific reasons you feel you need and want a phone, and I'll do more research too."

Our “when will I get a phone” conversations have grown less tense over time. Yes, her desire for one has intensified, and yes, my resolve to wait remains firm. But what matters most is that she feels safe expressing her wants, and I feel secure in my boundaries. Ultimately, this isn't about phones - it's about nurturing a relationship where we can be honest with each other, even in disagreement.